


simple

by csywdz



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Emotional Constipation, Friends With Benefits, M/M, POV Alternating, Pining, best friends soongyu, best leader scoups, oblivious jihoon, slow burn but sped up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:07:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25225105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/csywdz/pseuds/csywdz
Summary: “does hoshi-hyung look okay to you?” mingyu asks.jihoon opens his eyes and looks across the practice room from his spot on the floor, sitting plopped in the corner of the room. soonyoung is still practicing in front of the mirror, slowly going over the movements. jihoon can see him mouthing out the beats, lips wet.“what do you mean?”---soonyoung and jihoon are something more than friends, but not quite lovers. how simple can things really be when love's at play?
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Comments: 16
Kudos: 186





	simple

**Author's Note:**

> \+ “baby’s called my happiness. yeah, i just want it simple, simple.”  
> \+ soonyoung and jihoon hanging out at jihoon’s studio, and having meals together, is the one dynamic that i’m going to carry with me to my grave. you can’t take it away from me.  
> \+ also, i’ve been working on this forever because i have so many feelings for them and couldn’t let it go. i hope you guys like it T_T ♡

“jihoon. what am i to you?”

“can’t we just keep it simple?”

hoshi bites his lip, looking down. 

“you’re one of my best friends, soonyoung. i like what we have right now. it’s easy to be with you, and you make me happy. isn’t that enough?”

“yeah. more than enough. sorry, i didn’t mean to make it awkward.”

“you mean a lot to me, really.”

soonyoung smiles. “i know. i just wanted to hear it. come on, we still have practice later.”

\---

the first time they hook up is after a recording for touch.

soonyoung is feeling so good, and sexy, and confident. so when they listen to the completed song together, jihoon moving along to the music, it makes sense for soonyoung to get up and dance with him. jihoon looks surprised when soonyoung wraps his arms around the younger’s neck and slots their bodies together, wide-eyed, but he doesn't push him away.

with the sensual music, his own voice singing, “ _‘cause you can touch, touch…_ ” and buoyed by the words jihoon said earlier in regards to the song— _whatever you want, i’ll make it happen_ —he lets himself be pulled into jihoon’s steady orbit.

the song finishes with them just swaying together, faces close and breaths heavy. when soonyoung doesn’t make a move to pull away, he gets to watch jihoon’s jaw clench, pupils dark. 

as the song loops from the beginning on a replay, they kiss.

it isn’t what soonyoung imagined it would be like for them, like two different planets colliding, or a million stars exploding behind his eyelids. kissing jihoon feels like the soft pull of gravity, like his eyelids guiding him into sleep, like the tide gently shifting sand from beneath his feet. 

he parts his lips on a moan, and then they’re stripping so fast that it makes him dizzy, laughing breathlessly as he tips back onto jihoon’s studio sofa, wiggling as jihoon rummages around in his desk drawer.

“please, change the song. i don’t think i’ll be able to look at our fans if i picture you naked in relation to it.”

jihoon laughs in response and turns off the music entirely. soonyoung wants to protest, but jihoon is already resettling between his thighs and kissing him hungrily. the silence does nothing to disguise the noises escaping him as jihoon grinds their bare hips together, lips making their way down his neck and chest.

soonyoung gasps and his hand shoots down to grab jihoon’s wrist when a slicked up finger probes at his entrance. jihoon stops his kisses to look at him questioningly, and soonyoung can only open and close his mouth a few times as he takes in the lotion and condom on the coffee table.

 _of course_ , he thinks. _i’m an idiot._

“soonyoung? are you okay?” jihoon asks, head tilted slightly. 

“y-yes. sorry, it’s just been a while so i was surprised.”

jihoon smirks down at him, and soonyoung wants to hide. “in that case, i’ll be extra careful with you today.”

the low tone makes a blush race all the way down to his ribcage, makes him bite his lip instead of reply. jihoon is true to his word and stretches him delicately for a small eternity, until he’s shaking in desperation, until he’s clutching the throw pillows and whimpering jihoon’s name as the other fucks him with three fingers.

“please,” he begs, and that’s enough for jihoon. there is a delirious thought of, _i can’t believe jihoonie keeps condoms in the studio_ , as soonyoung watches jihoon roll one onto his hard length. 

“do you want to turn over? if it’s been a while, that might be easier for you?”

soonyoung gulps, then shakes his head. “i want to see you.”

“hmm, alright,” jihoon agrees easily, and grabs one of the pillows before lifting soonyoung’s hips and putting it under him. “breathe, okay?”

and then jihoon lines up and slowly pushes in. the air is punched from his lungs before he can even think to follow jihoon’s advice, eyes squeezing shut as he’s stretched to full, full, aching. it’s a feeling completely different from being filled with fingers, unyielding warm flesh finding the most intimate parts of him. when he catches his breath again, chest heaving, jihoon is motionless above him and looking down at him with worried eyes.

“are you okay?”

soonyoung doesn’t trust his voice, doesn’t trust his head, doesn't trust his heart, so he nods, and reaches for jihoon, just wanting some comfort. the composer indulges him, bending down so soonyoung can wrap his arms around his shoulders, and presses deeper with the motion. 

it’s difficult for anything but slow grinds with the way soonyoung clings onto him, but jihoon litters kisses along the other’s collarbones, careful not to leave a mark, until soonyoung is moaning underneath him and moving to meet his shallow thrusts.

“harder, you can go harder,” soonyoung whines.

jihoon raises himself up slightly, bracing his hands by the dancer’s head as soonyoung’s fingers clutch at his lats, and rocks against him steadily until soonyoung comes with a cry, surprising both of them. jihoon follows him shortly after, thrusts sloppy as soonyoung’s hole tightens impossibly further around him in climax.

when soonyoung blinks his eyes open again, jihoon has already cleaned up the mess on his stomach and disposed of the condom, and is dressed in his t-shirt and low sweatpants. 

jihoon notices that he’s looking and quirks an eyebrow, lips lifting into a grin. “it really must’ve been a while if you blanked out. or was it just that good?”

soonyoung tries to fight his blush, butterflies taking flight in his stomach. now was the time. _i’ve actually never done it before. it was good because it was you. jihoon, i_ —

jihoon laughs, completely light, and teases, “i’m just joking. i'll treat you well next time too, alright princess?”

the words die before they can make it out, taking the butterflies down with them. it is suddenly too cold in the room, goosebumps breaking over his bare skin, and soonyoung forces a smile as he scrambles up for his clothes. his lower body twinges uncomfortably, and his chest feels tight, like he's been knocked over.

“right,” he laughs, and hopes it doesn't sound like he's about to cry.

jihoon doesn't notice or care to comment, anyway.

\---

it’d be a lie to say that nothing changes after that, because they do.

it would be more accurate to say that nothing really changes with jihoon. jihoon is still a workaholic, still cute, and blunt, and kind, in turns. aside from occasionally fucking soonyoung when they are alone in the studio as a means to de-stress, or however jihoon justifies it, the composer is the same.

that leaves soonyoung.

it was something too embarrassing, too unpolished, for him to even look at, let alone tell anyone else, even though he’s sure that the other members had a clue.

how could they not? when jihoon shrugged off his hugs or ignored his high-fives. when soonyoung turned to the younger boy like a sunflower, looking for the sun.

sometimes, he can’t help but imagine what they would say. their pitying stares, or sad looks.

_i like someone, but he doesn’t like me._

_i did something stupid, and let him have me anyway. you can’t take something like that back._

_i like someone,_

he knows that jihoon cares about him. sometimes, he can’t help but imagine more.

_i’m just waiting for him to look at me._

\---

jihoon groans. the vocal team is recording today for their unit track, and it’s progressing smoothly, but he’s tired and hungry.

jeonghan kneads his shoulder at the sound, chuckling good-naturedly to say that it was okay, that he understands. they both listen as dokyeom finishes recording the chorus before the older member suggests getting dinner together.

“food!” seungkwan and dokyeom cheer in unison.

jihoon laughs, and says, “you already know i’m down. let me just call soonyoung to see if he wants to join.”

“oooooh, so considerate,” jeonghan sings. joshua jabs him in the ribs, smiling.

“leave him alone. we’ll meet you outside,” joshua says, herding the others out, arm around jeonghan’s shoulder.

jihoon ignores them, phone already pressed to his ear and listening to the opening chords of “Lucifer.”

“hello? jihoonie?” hoshi answers, sounding breathless.

“are you practicing?” jihoon asks, “do you want to have dinner?”

“i can finish up.” there’s the sound of footsteps, and then a zipper being opened. “i’m hungry now that you mentioned food.”

“okay, i’ll send you the address,” jihoon replies. “see you.”

“mmhmm. see you soon, jihoonie,” soonyoung says, voice soft.

jihoon hangs up first.

soonyoung joins them after the menus have been cleared, idle chatter filling the table as they wait for their food.

jeonghan notices him first, calling out a happy, “hoshi!”

jihoon’s head turns to the entrance quickly enough to catch an edge of surprise to soonyoung’s expression before a grin pulls over his face.

“hey guys!” soonyoung greets, sitting in the empty spot next to jihoon. he must’ve showered at the company, a cloud of strawberry scented body wash surrounding him and hair still slightly wet. “man, if i knew i was crashing a full vocal team dinner, i would’ve brought some backup with me.”

dokyeom laughs at the joke, jeonghan protesting, “yah, you don’t need backup! we’re so nice!” joshua just smiles fondly, squeezing his cheek. jihoon’s fingers twitch, wanting to touch too.

“what, woozi-hyung didn’t tell you?” seungkwan asks, harmlessly.

“nope!” hoshi giggles, glancing at jihoon from the corner of his eye, gaze darting away to check out the restaurant. “i thought we were having a date,” he jokes.

“don’t be stupid,” jihoon scowls, before changing the subject. “i ordered for you already.”

soonyoung turns and looks at him properly. _finally_ , something in his chest sings. for a second, jihoon feels his insides swoop at the unreadable expression on the other’s face.

then soonyoung smiles, leaning slightly into his space, and the world is as it should be.

“thanks, jihoon!”

\---

jihoon calls him around 8, and soonyoung’s heart leaps into his throat the same time a stone sinks into his stomach. it’s always like this when it comes to jihoon, his body at odds with itself, but his feet still hurry themselves to the other’s side.

it’s not a surprise when he enters the studio and jihoon immediately pulls him onto his lap, but it makes him breathe out a laugh. “hi to you, too.”

soonyoung floats with the feeling, loves how possessive jihoon’s hands on the small of his back and the grip of his waist are, loves how jihoon fits against his body, between his legs. soonyoung’s heart races itself.

what they have is easy, good. soonyoung is the problem in the equation. the stone reappears, weighing him down. jihoon’s features in the blue-washed room remain open and clear. he jolts out of his thoughts when jihoon cups his face, jerking back at the touch. jihoon pauses from where he was starting to lean in, hand dropping to his side instead.

“oh, i’m sorry jihoon,” soonyoung apologizes, “but i have stomatitis…” he watches as jihoon’s face darkens in a single second, and hurries to push out, “w-we can still do it! but kissing might not be a good idea.”

his sentence trails off into silence, and jihoon’s expression doesn’t get any better. it really does seem like he’s always fucking things up. he bites the inside of his cheek out of habit and winces immediately after, hands clenching and bunching up the material of jihoon’s t-shirt.

“does it hurt?” jihoon asks.

soonyoung’s surprised by the question but he forces a smile and shifts on jihoon’s lap, settling their thighs flush together. “i’m okay, seungkwan already nagged at me earlier.”

“that doesn’t answer my question.”

“only a little,” he lies.

“did you eat?” jihoon continues prodding.

“ah, i had lunch with mingyu! but it was sad since i couldn’t finish everything.”

“you didn’t eat dinner yet?”

the smile slips from his face, and he tries to hide it by ducking his head. his fingers trace the creases in jihoon’s shirt, one by one. 

“honestly, it hurts,” soonyoung says. “i was sulking at home until you called me.” his head dips lower and lower as he continues, “sorry i had to ruin the mood, too. you must be frustrated.” 

the last word is almost whispered as soonyoung rests his forehead against jihoon’s shoulder. jihoon doesn’t say anything in reply, and soonyoung sucks in a breath, guilty. his brain provides him with things he could do to make this better, and he’s even considering an escape route, when he feels a gentle hand on his head.

jihoon’s slim fingers stroke through his hair, soothing, his palm spreading warmth against his exposed nape. it’s unfair how quickly jihoon can wind him up and bring him back down with a simple touch. that’s the thought he has as he closes his eyes and sinks into the younger’s embrace. his head empties, and time drifts, a dream-like quiet enclosing them.

soonyoung doesn’t know how long they stay like that until jihoon squeezes his hip, hand still cupping the back of his neck when soonyoung raises his head to look at him. soonyoung blinks slowly as jihoon starts to lean in again, but this time he doesn’t move.

jihoon presses a kiss to his lips, soft soft soft, and pulls away on an exhale. soonyoung watches mesmerized as a smile stretches across jihoon’s face, bright in the dim light, and finds it impossible to not mirror it. 

“soonyoung,” jihoon says, “let’s go get dinner.” 

even after jihoon helps him up, and makes him wear another layer of padding; even after they pass by some of jihoon’s favorite restaurants, and jihoon is sitting across from him at a small hole-in-the-wall that sells porridge instead; even after jihoon patiently waits for him to finish all his food since he can’t eat as quickly as usual, and they’ve talked about their day, the members, the upcoming album; even after they walk back to the dorms together and retire to their different rooms, and soonyoung is lying on his own bed: soonyoung feels lost. like he’s on a burning ship, surrounded by water, and all he has to do is jump overboard, but something holds him back.

alone, he slips into a dreamless sleep,

full of longing.

\---

“does hoshi-hyung look okay to you?” mingyu asks.

jihoon opens his eyes and looks across the practice room from his spot on the floor, sitting plopped in the corner of the room. soonyoung is still practicing in front of the mirror, slowly going over the movements. jihoon can see him mouthing out the beats, lips wet.

“what do you mean?”

“i’m not sure, but doesn’t he look a little… sad?” jihoon turns to look at him in surprise, but mingyu’s looking at soonyoung, head tilted in confusion. “maybe i’m overthinking it though. and i don’t want to ask him in case nothing’s wrong and it ends up stressing him out instead. i figured you would know since you guys spend so much time together,” mingyu finishes with a sigh.

jihoon thinks about the last time they were together, just two nights earlier, thinks about soonyoung’s unblemished back bowed over the arm of his sofa, thinks about the dancer’s high-pitched whines and low groans making a symphony in his studio as jihoon fucked him from behind. 

there’s no way to say, “well, he did cry a little after the last time we had sex,” without drawing a lot of questions he never wants to answer, so he replies, “no, i didn’t notice anything unusual.”

mingyu hums and thanks him with a smile before he gets up and goes to where hoshi is. jihoon follows him with his eyes, watching as the younger boy makes soonyoung drink a bottle of water. 

soonyoung’s messy, water spilling down his throat and joining his sweat-drenched t-shirt, where it clings to his body. it’s like he can feel jihoon’s stare, because they briefly make eye-contact before soonyoung quickly looks away.

there was a flash of _something_ , an expression that made jihoon’s breath catch in his throat, but it was too fast for him to name. soonyoung doesn’t meet his eyes again for the rest of practice, and jihoon can’t shake the feeling that he’s missing something monumental.

\---

it comes to a head just a few days later. that same week, even. they’re recording for the album and soonyoung’s the last one for today. the other members have already returned to the dorms to order take-out, and soonyoung and jihoon reassured them that they would get dinner together after they wrapped up, too. it’s been a long day, a long week, and jihoon’s looking forward to an armful of soonyoung, and a warm meal after.

if only soonyoung would finish recording.

“again,” he calls out tiredly.

soonyoung cuts himself off from the middle of his part, and tries again from the beginning. his tone stumbles at the same place as all the times before, but he bravely continues on. jihoon rubs a hand over his face.

“seriously, what’s wrong with you?” jihoon sighs.

there’s a sharp intake of breath from the recording booth, amplified by the mike. he realizes his mistake instantly when he raises his head and sees soonyoung’s eyes filling with tears. 

“i meant, i know you can do better,” he wants to say.

“i’m sorry, i just wanted to ask you what’s been bugging you lately,” he wants to plead.

before he can make his throat work around the words, soonyoung wobbles out a heart-wrenching, “you tell me, jihoon. what’s wrong with me?” and then he’s flying out of the booth and past jihoon before the producer can even turn in his chair. 

the door automatically swings shut, and jihoon rushes after him, remembering to kick off the indoor slippers that hoshi bought for him as a gift despite how urgent he feels. he quickly runs out in his slides, darting to the main road, but soonyoung is nowhere in sight. 

groaning in frustration, he fishes his phone out of his pants pocket and dials the other man. he tries three times, craning his head to look at the streets, but it’s hopeless. he starts trudging back to the studio and calls seungcheol. the leader easily picks up on the second ring.

“hey, sorry, but can you text me when soonyoung gets home? and make sure he eats?”

“jihoon… what happened?”

“i accidentally snapped at him during recording. i need to wrap up at the studio before i can go back, so can you keep an eye on him for me?”

there’s a heavy silence on the other line, and jihoon wants to hang up, but he doesn’t. this bit of judgement is the least of what he deserves.

“okay. i’ll text you,” seungcheol says. jihoon breathes out a sigh of relief, but seungcheol continues, “i don’t know what’s been going on with you guys lately but i hope you sort yourself out, jihoon.”

jihoon doesn’t really know what the leader means, but he says, “i will. thanks, cheol.”

when he re-enters his studio and properly locks the door, soonyoung’s hoodie catches his eye. jihoon picks it up, thinking about the plain, oversized t-shirt soonyoung had on when he ran out. he hopes soonyoung caught a taxi quickly, but his hopes are dashed when it takes an hour before seungcheol finally texts him. 

the simple, “he’s here,” tells him that seungcheol is angrier than any reprimand or threat he could have sent instead. there’s no point in asking, “is he safe? is he okay? is he still crying because of me?” he knows the answer, anyway.

woozi drowns his thoughts in work, until even that is ineffective. 7am finds him sleepless, dragging himself into the silent dorms. he peeks his head into soonyoung and vernon’s room, but the dancer isn’t there, the tidy sheets gouging at the emptiness in his chest. he goes downstairs and climbs into his own bed, tiredness catching up to him, and promptly falls asleep.

\---

when he wakes up, it’s quiet.

a look at his phone tells him it’s 2pm already, and he groans. since recording was supposed to finish yesterday, and they learned the dance a few days earlier, today is a rare free day before they start perfecting everything for their comeback. there’s no text messages on his phone aside from one from s.coups, telling him to let the manager know if he goes anywhere.

it seems like all the members are out, catching up on sleep, or quietly hanging out in their rooms, because he doesn’t encounter anyone as he washes up, and eats a quick meal. he needs to talk to soonyoung, and finish the recording, or they’ll be behind.

jihoon sighs, still not knowing what to say, but he heads to the studio nonetheless. maybe he could make something work with all the parts that soonyoung managed to record yesterday.

to say that it’s a surprise when he enters the studio and sees soonyoung already there is an understatement. it’s so unexpected that it looks unfamiliar, even though soonyoung has been in that space, _his space_ , hundreds of times before. more than surprise, it’s like he can feel his whole heart jumping through the barrier of his ribcage, painful and desperate. he doesn’t know what that means.

“hi,” he says, dumbly.

soonyoung must’ve heard him unlock the door earlier, but it takes him a few seconds to raise his head and look at jihoon. he’s wearing a soft looking sweater and ripped jeans, and a black baseball hat that shadows his face. even with that, jihoon can see the slight puffiness to his eyes, his lips chapped and bitten.

“hi,” soonyoung replies. “sorry for running out last night. i shouldn’t have done that when you need the recordings to finish the album.”

jihoon doesn’t know how soonyoung can sound like that. “no, i’m the one that should be—”

“i mean it,” soonyoung cuts him off. “it’s my fault. i practiced a lot so let’s record, okay?”

jihoon can only nod as soonyoung brushes past him to enter the recording booth. 

it’s true; soonyoung must’ve practiced for hours. he records all his parts perfectly, only redoing them once or twice because he felt strange about how jihoon didn’t correct anything. they wrap up quickly and jihoon wants to keep him for longer, but not enough to make soonyoung doubt himself again.

“you’re all done. great job,” he says.

“really?” soonyoung presses, disbelieving.

“really. it was perfect,” jihoon murmurs.

in the blink of an eye, soonyoung’s expression drops from skeptical to hurt to blank. “alright, thanks jihoon.”

jihoon watches as soonyoung gathers up his papers quickly and puts the headphones and mic back in order. when the older boy exits the booth, jihoon catches his wrist before soonyoung can leave.

“can we talk?” jihoon asks.

“what about?” soonyoung counters, not meeting his eyes.

“last night, i’m sorry for hurting you,” jihoon tries. “it wasn’t my intention.”

“i already told you, it’s not your fault,” soonyoung says. “i’m not mad at you, it’s okay.”

“stop saying that!” soonyoung looks up in shock at jihoon’s outburst, and jihoon tries to hold his gaze as he continues. he wants him to understand, “there’s nothing wrong with you, soonyoung, and i’m sorry for making you feel that way.”

“but there is, jihoon,” soonyoung says, eyes filling up with tears. “if there wasn’t, i wouldn’t feel like this. if there wasn’t, then you would love me, too.” 

he’s speaking so quietly that jihoon has to strain to hear him, but when he does, the words leave him speechless. the “too” echoes strangely in his mind, along with the look in soonyoung’s eyes. “what…?”

it’s like a dam breaks, because soonyoung’s tears spill over, trailing down his soft cheeks, and words follow them in a painful torrent. “jihoon, you know i try to not be a greedy person. that’s why sometimes the way i feel about you makes me hate myself so much. i want it to be enough, really. your smiles, and your laughs, and your comforting presence.

“but i end up wanting to hold your hand, or to be hugged by you, and it makes me so sad. the more time i spend with you, the worse it gets. i keep telling myself to get over it, but what should i do? how can i get over you?”

jihoon watches helplessly as soonyoung pulls his wrist out of his slackened grip, fingers wiping at his tears before he hides his face completely and cries. he looks so small, crushing jihoon’s heart into fine dust. jihoon knows he should do something, anything, but—

“soonyoung, i’m-” he cuts himself off, throat clogged, not knowing what he wants to say, unsure if he can even touch him anymore. “i…”

soonyoung sniffles loudly and chokes out, “i know, you don’t feel the same way. i’m sorry. god, i’m so sorry. i’m going to go, now.”

“wait, soonyoung,” jihoon protests. _why is this so hard?_

“please, just give me some time. i’ll get over it, i promise. jihoon, i’m sorry,” soonyoung cries, and then he’s leaving again.

this time, jihoon doesn’t chase after him.

\---

soonyoung’s an idiot. not because he’s particularly stupid, but his impulsiveness and reckless bravery makes it easy for people to think that he doesn’t use his head much. despite that, soonyoung likes his simple-mindedness: likes knowing what he likes, likes standing up for what he believes in.

but he really messed up this time. how is he ever going to look at jihoon again?

“how am i ever going to look at him again?” he cries, shamelessly wiping his face onto mingyu’s shirt. they’re in mingyu’s and woozi’s room, which is ironic, but they both know that jihoon won’t be back anytime soon. after seungcheol got the phone call from jihoon yesterday, mingyu was the one who found him, shivering and sobbing on a bench near their dorms, and dragged the story out of him before dragging him home too.

he’s seeing him cry two days in a row. _how pathetic_ , soonyoung thinks, triggering a fresh wave of tears. mingyu just lets him cry, patting his back like he’s putting a baby to sleep.

“there, there,” the younger boy coos; soonyoung can’t even feel insulted. “it’s going to be okay. you can take all the time you need. jihoon-hyung will understand.”

“but we’re going to have a comeback soon,” he replies, squishing his cheek against mingyu’s chest until he can find a comfortable spot. the taller one barely squirms in response, even when soonyoung’s shoulder digs into his rib cage on accident. it’s so sweet that soonyoung has to swallow down his tears. his heart feels like it’s been put through a tenderizer, everything aching and raw.

“don’t worry! it’s not like we’ve never had members fight before. honestly, some of the members might not even notice, especially when we get really busy with promotions,” mingyu assures him. “but we’ll all be here for you, hyung.”

“thanks, mingyu,” soonyoung murmurs, closing his eyes. “that’s really nice of you.”

he’s exhausted, having cried most of the night, and then waking early to practice his lines, followed by. everything else. he should get up. he doesn’t want jihoon to feel uncomfortable seeing him if he comes home early, but he’s so emotionally drained that he’s already half-asleep before he even realizes it.

“and who knows, it might be something you guys can laugh about later when you get over him.”

 _but what if i don’t want to get over him_ , he thinks, jihoon’s empty bed staring at him beneath his eyelids before everything fades to black, and sleep pulls him under.

\---

somehow, jihoon finishes producing the album. 

somehow, they start promotions without a hitch. 

somehow, soonyoung’s laugh still rivals the sun.

jihoon does all the things he normally does, and yet. everything feels a little emptier, just a touch lonelier. even though he knows seungcheol is frustrated at him, the general leader ends up being the one that occasionally crashes his studio to make sure he eats and sleeps, and the one that joins him for sessions at the gym. they don’t talk about what happened with soonyoung, which makes jihoon wonder how much he knows, but he’s grateful that the older man doesn’t push the topic.

it’s not like soonyoung’s completely avoiding him either. they make small talk, and share food, and correct each other’s mistakes when they need to. sometimes, they’ll both laugh at the same stupid joke the members made, and jihoon will catch soonyoung’s eye, watching as the grin freezes on the other’s face, before the moment passes and soonyoung looks away. 

sometimes they’ll be leaving, or entering, or one entering and one leaving, a room at the same time, and there’d be an awkward little shuffle, soonyoung smiling apologetically as he edges around jihoon, too nice to just tell him to move when jihoon inevitably freezes in place. 

it makes him wonder if they’ll ever be able to get back to normal, wonders what normal would even look like. surely not like soonyoung underneath him, smiling at him with tender eyes. 

somehow, the thought makes it harder to breathe.

\---

“soonyoung?”

seungcheol catches him alone when they’re about to head to the radio station. the other members have already shuffled out, but soonyoung can’t find his earphones.

“yes, hyung?” 

when he straightens up to look at him, seungcheol is standing in the doorway. he’s holding soonyoung’s earphone case in his hand and soonyoung smiles brightly, skipping over to get it from him.

“wow, thank you! where was it?” he asks, checking the battery.

“jihoon said that you always forget them in the studio.” they’re fully charged, both the earphones and case.

“o-oh. i’ll have to apologize. thanks again for giving them to me, hyung.” soonyoung stuffs the earphones into his pockets, hands staying there too. 

“he usually sneaks them back into your bag for you.”

“ah, i should thank him too,” soonyoung laughs. “saved from being late. let’s hurry.”

seungcheol doesn’t move from the doorway though. “i’ve known you both for a long time,” he states, “but i’ve known jihoonie longest. he won’t say it, but he’s hurting a lot.”

 _what about me?_ soonyoung doesn’t say. it’s his fault, anyway. “i know,” he whispers, unable to meet seungcheol’s eyes.

“i’m not saying jihoon isn’t in the wrong. for someone who writes such emotional songs, he can be a bit clueless when it comes to his own feelings.” 

soonyoung finally looks up, but seungcheol isn’t looking at him anymore. he’s staring at a picture of all the members on the wall that soonyoung and vernon decided would be fun to have up. it was taken at a dinner party at the end of last year, everyone celebrating the awards they received, faces beaming. soonyoung remembers the moment vividly: jihoon leaning against his shoulder as they held up matching peace signs, both of them giddy with alcohol and happiness.

“it’s okay to want to protect your heart,” seungcheol sighs, “but i hope you won’t give up, soonyoung.”

\---

jihoon’s going crazy.

someone touches soonyoung’s thigh, and jihoon feels it like a stab to his gut. someone ruffles soonyoung’s hair and it’s a punch to the stomach. someone makes soonyoung laugh and his heart is being ripped from his chest. 

an assistant stage director crowds soonyoung uncomfortably against the wall, and rage boils over jihoon’s veins. logically, he knows that they’re all trained to handle these situations after so many years in the industry. even better, he knows that soonyoung has a 4th degree black belt in taekwondo. instinctively, he sees soonyoung’s eyes darting around as the director takes another step closer, face so close to soonyoung’s ear under the guise of showing the singer the layout plan pressed in between them that soonyoung must be able to feel the other’s breaths, and everything just goes red.

before he knows it, soonyoung’s standing behind his back as he does his best not to glare at the director. “sorry to interrupt, but the coordi-noona is looking for you, hoshi,” he says, then addresses the stranger. “if there’s anything else you need to talk about, you can tell me.”

“oh, it wasn’t anything too important,” the assistant director mumbles out in surprise.

“in that case,” jihoon says in his coldest tone, “we need to finish getting ready, if you don’t mind.” 

he doesn’t give the other a chance to reply, bowing shortly before storming away, soonyoung at his heels.

it’s soonyoung’s voice saying, “jihoon,” and soonyoung pulling his hand from his that breaks him out of his trance. he didn’t even realize he was holding it, but the way soonyoung nervously fiddles with his fingers behind his back tells him more than he needs to know.

he dumbly blinks down at his own hand for a second, breathing hard. “sorry,” he says, trying to calm down. 

they’re in a random corridor, far from any other voices. jihoon is really going crazy. hoshi’s eyes jump from one plain white spot on the walls to the next, like there’s something fascinating on them. jihoon can’t stop looking at him.

“thanks,” soonyoung finally manages, trying to diffuse the awkwardness. “for saving me back there. i thought i was going to have to fake a stomach ache or something.”

a hundred thoughts: _you’re welcome, anything for you, i almost punched him in the face just for looking at you like that,_ “you’re an awful actor though,” jihoon says without missing a beat.

soonyoung’s face twists, and jihoon feels like walking through fire. he would deserve it. 

“managed to fool you, didn’t i?”

jihoon doesn’t know what kind of expression he’s making, can only focus on soonyoung’s sad smile as the other shakes his head, apologizes, and turns to rejoin the others. jihoon watches him go, light catching on the strands of his hair like a mirage.

one day, jihoon thinks, he’ll be able to stop soonyoung from leaving.

\---

soonyoung’s dreams go like this:

he’s dancing on stage, and the stage ripples and moves with him, the fans a sea around him. the sea is full of light, blinding him. he squeezes his eyes shut, and when he opens them, jihoon is there, hand outstretched. soonyoung reaches out, but the stage collapses, and a wave takes him under. it’s deafeningly silent and dark, and something’s pressing him down, unable to move no matter how hard he tries.

he wakes up kicking, sheets and pillows scattered all over the floor.

mount fuji looms in the distance. “fuji-san!” he yells, and the members echo his cries with “woozi-san!” woozi laughs heartily at the pun. seungkwan says, “woozi-san at fuji-san.” hoshi _really_ wants to try the popular rollercoaster at the base of mount fuji. “i want to go to fuji-san,” he exclaims. jihoon is right next to him, smiles beautifully, and promises, “woozi-san will take you to fuji-san.” his insides turn into a rollercoaster, heart swooping from his chest to lungs and spiralling in his ribcage before settling in his abdomen.

“fuji-san,” he cries into his pillow the next morning, drawing concerned looks from vernon.

a gaze follows him everywhere, but he’s afraid of looking back. it sends tingles down his spine and warms the tips of his ears. when he laughs, he feels it touching the corner of his lips like a caress. when he dances, the gaze is so tangible that he feels it against his bare skin, on places like his hips and the inside of his thighs, where a lover would touch. he’s only ever had one lover. 

he closes his eyes, and tries to ignore it.

\---

promotions come to an end, and the staff rent out a restaurant for them so they can have a private, carefree dinner to celebrate. after toasts, the managers leave for an adjacent dining room, de-stressing from having to watch over 13 boys as well.

jihoon’s not a big drinker. he doesn’t like calling himself a lightweight. that was soonyoung. but alcohol and him don’t mix well. maybe it’s the pressure of this last comeback though, or how seungcheol keeps looking at him, that makes him continuously take sips of somaek in between large bites of rice and meat.

a little under two hours in, half of the members have retreated to the dorms, another quarter passed out around the table. it’s him, mingyu, and seungcheol still huddled around their side of the restaurant. jihoon’s drunk, he knows he is, but there’s something infuriating about how seungcheol and mingyu look like they can easily drink three more bottles of soju. each. across the room, soonyoung’s head lolls on dokyeom’s shoulder.

jihoon throws back the rest of his drink, and slams the glass on the table.

mingyu laughs, refilling it for him. “what a rare occasion, getting to drink with woozi-hyung.”

“so, are you ready to talk?” seungcheol says, eyes sharp.

jihoon should’ve seen this coming. he _did_ see it coming. “what about?” he asks.

“soonyoungie,” seungcheol replies, like the name alone didn’t make jihoon’s chest clench.

“there’s nothing to talk about. he’s going to get over me.”

“and you’re okay with that?” mingyu chimes in.

jihoon shrugs, downing his drink again. he’s drunk, but not enough for this.

“can you imagine him dating someone else?” seungcheol presses.

his vision tints red. must be all the alcohol. “that’s up to him.”

“really? someone else taking soonyoungie’s virginity? someone else tying his shoes?”

“what the fuck?” jihoon laughs. “i know you have your whole delusional dad sham going on, but soonyoung’s definitely not a virgin. and i don’t tie his shoelaces for him!”

maybe only once or twice, but that’s only because he didn’t want soonyoung to trip. ten times, tops. probably not more than twenty?

“what? my sweet soonyoung?” seungcheol almost yells.

“yeah, hoshi-hyung said his first time was with jihoon ages ago,” mingyu says, nonplussed.

“wait, what?” it’s jihoon’s turn to be dumbfounded. “and i’m your hyung too.”

“you don’t have to be shy! he didn’t tell me any details, i promise.”

in any other situation, he would laugh, wondering if his expression looked anything like seungcheol’s. it’s so ridiculus, it’s almost comical, really. he thinks of the first time they had sex, the first time soonyoung dropped to his knees and clumsily took him into his mouth. how soonyoung had looked at him both times, wide-eyed.

“oh,” mingyu realizes. “you didn’t know.”

“god, i’m a monster,” jihoon mutters, forehead thunking onto the table. the change in position makes all the alcohol rush to his head, weighing it down. his sight blurs.

seungcheol seems to overcome the fact that _his sweet soonyoung_ wasn’t as innocent as he thought, because he gently pats jihoon’s shoulder. “you’re not a monster, jihoon. you’re the person he loves.”

“that’s even worse. he deserves so much better.” he turns his head, pressing his cheek against the cool tabletop. something wet slips down the corners of his eyes, his nose, his temple.

“the world doesn’t work like that, and you know it,” seungcheol says softly. “what about what he wants?”

 _i end up wanting to hold your hand, or to be hugged by you, and it makes me so sad,_ soonyoung’s teary face hiccups in his memory. was it really that simple? he blinks hard, trying to clear his vision. a few tables away, soonyoung huffs out a breath, face soft with sleep. desire pulls like a weight in his gut, heavy.

“what do you want, jihoon?”

\---

turns out, it is that simple.

jihoon wakes up with a pounding headache. there’s an unopened bottle of water and a pill taped to it next to his pillow, and he gratefully takes both. he lies around until he feels less like somebody hit him with a truck, organizing his thoughts from the night before.

his face is strangely itchy, but he ignores it well enough. it’s his growling stomach that finally pulls him out of bed.

soonyoung’s in the kitchen with mingyu, their heads bent over a partially-assembled 1000-piece puzzle on the table. mingyu notices him first and grins, throwing a thumbs-up at him before jumping out of his seat and beating a hasty retreat, faster than he can process, which is undoubtedly suspicious. it makes soonyoung raise his head, and jihoon stands frozen as the other’s eyes land on him in surprise.

soonyoung’s eyes curve, lips lifting into a grin, and it’s so unexpected that jihoon holds his breath, scared that a single exhale will shatter the moment. he watches as soonyoung throws his head back, letting out a loud laugh, before he tries to collect himself and looks at jihoon again, smile so wide that it dimples his cheeks.

“ji-jihoon,” he giggles, “you, you have whiskers!”

something bubbles in his chest, and spills over.

“i’m in love with you,” jihoon says.

they’re like a million miles apart, jihoon standing at the entrance of the kitchen, and soonyoung sitting at the end of the room, table and chairs in the way. 

jihoon wants to touch him. 

soonyoung looks thunderstruck, mouth open in shock, laughter gone.

“i’m in love with you,” jihoon says, again. “i think i’ve always been, in a way, and that’s why i didn’t realize sooner.”

soonyoung’s bottom lip wobbles. “are you drunk? are you sick, jihoonie?” he stands up abruptly, moving towards jihoon and the exit. “i-i can get mingyu. he’ll definitely know what’s wrong.”

“please,” jihoon says, _don’t go_ , desperate, still unable to touch him even though they’re so close now, “soonyoung-ah, i really mean it.”

there’s a pause, where the performance team leader’s face crumples. 

“i can’t believe you’re confessing to me when you have smudged eyeliner drawn all over your face,” soonyoung wails, and then jihoon has an armful of soonyoung crying into his neck. jihoon embraces him tightly, pressing his face to the taller’s neck in turn. 

he doesn’t know how long they stand like that, but at some point, his stomach growls angrily, louder than before. soonyoung giggles wetly against his shoulder, sniffling before pulling back. jihoon hugs his waist, not letting him go far.

“sorry, you must be hungry,” soonyoung says sheepishly. jihoon cups his face with one hand, brushing away his tears.

“that’s not as important as you,” jihoon counters, and the cheesiness has his stomach turning, but it’s worth the smile on soonyoung’s face. “i am starving though. go to a restaurant with me?”

“after we wash our faces?” soonyoung laughs, so easy and bright.

jihoon grins at him, lighter than he’s felt in a while. “it’s a date.”

\---

they go to their favorite restaurant closest to the dorm. halfway through a huge portion of kimchi stew, soonyoung gets a text message from mingyu. he’s good about not checking his phone during meals and while with others, but the winky face text preview has him curious. jihoon is busy inhaling rice, anyway.

when he opens it, a picture of woozi and seungcheol greets him. mingyu’s hand is holding an eyeliner pencil in frame, while seungcheol throws up double peace signs next to a knocked out jihoon. seungcheol is awkwardly squashed into the corner of jihoon’s bed, and from the angle, mingyu must be half hanging from the bunk bed ladder. even with the awful lighting, jihoon’s cheeks look flushed with alcohol under the black lines decorating them.

“what’s so funny?” jihoon asks.

soonyoung doesn’t answer, trying to stifle his giggles as he flips his phone so jihoon can see.

“i’m going to kill them,” jihoon mutters darkly.

butterflies flutter in his ribcage, warm, and soonyoung traces a finger over his phone screen, where jihoon’s frowning even in his sleep. he looks so annoyed, it’s _adorable_. “why did you drink that much, anyway? you’re a total lightweight.”

soonyoung looks up when jihoon’s spoon clangs loudly against his bowl, the younger’s facial expression stormy. day one, and he’s fucking up already. he’s expecting a protest of some sort, or even the absolute worst: _it’s none of your business_. “uh, i mean—”

“it was because i missed you,” jihoon says, continuing to eat like he didn’t just turn soonyoung’s insides to crisps. soonyoung gulps, throat dry. his cheeks feel so hot that he’s worried that they match the kimchi stew in front of him. “and you shouldn’t talk!” ah, there it is. the protest. “passing out on someone else’s shoulder like that after only one can of beer.”

“you sound jealous?” soonyoung asks in disbelief, putting his foot in his mouth again.

jihoon raises an eyebrow at him. “that’s what you got out of that?”

“oh god,” soonyoung breathes, “you really love me.” 

“mhmm,” jihoon agrees. “don’t cry into your soup, you sap.”

the younger’s voice is gruff, but his eyes are a little sad, and soonyoung can’t have that. he looks up at the ceiling, willing the moisture in his eyes away. “i’m not!” he yells. “i’m just. so happy. i could run a marathon at this rate,” soonyoung exclaims, energetically digging into his food as proof.

the meal is making him full as well, but jihoon smiles fondly at him, and it fills him right up, sunlight flooding his stomach, his lungs, his chest, his fingertips, until it feels like he’s going to burst at the seams.

he returns jihoon’s smile, a sunflower in full bloom, and wonders if jihoon can tell.

\---

they finish dinner, and loop an extra block on the way home just to digest and enjoy the night air a little longer. soonyoung looks so happy, pointing at random things in storefronts and telling stories, that jihoon wants to press his smile into a book and keep the pages tucked in the folds of his heart. 

mingyu had texted him during dinner too, informing him that he wasn’t going to be in their room tonight, along with an unnecessary winky emoji.

too quickly, they’re back at the dorm. it’s ridiculous how much it feels like an actual date, them standing awkwardly outside the apartment door, even though soonyoung’s room is just one floor up. soonyoung is sparkly eyed, smiling adoringly as he waits for jihoon to go inside. jihoon would roll his eyes if not for the anticipation and apprehension running through his own veins.

“do you want to come in?” jihoon invites, trying to push aside the heavy feeling prickling at his chest.

soonyoung laughs, and types in the keycode himself. “i thought you would never ask,” he jokes, but he’s blushing.

they take off their shoes and go straight to jihoon’s room, not running into anyone else on the way. jihoon is secretly thankful, because he’s already tense enough as is. soonyoung must be able to feel the nerves pouring off of him now too because he stays silent.

the door clicks shut behind them and jihoon crowds soonyoung against it. he’s still smiling, expectant. it would be so easy to just lean in and kiss him, and let himself get lost.

instead, jihoon swallows hard and says, “mingyu told me something interesting.”

“do we really have to talk about mingyu right now?” soonyoung asks, confused.

“he said i was the first person you’d ever been with. why didn’t you tell me?” jihoon forces out, fast, like ripping off a bandaid. he needs to make this right.

soonyoung’s expression morphs, instinctively recoiling but he’s literally backed up against the wall. “because we weren’t together,” he answers honestly. he huffs out a breath, recovering from the sudden question. “because i knew you would stop.”

“soonyoung…”

“don’t apologize. i don’t regret it, i promise,” soonyoung says, sincere. he thumbs the corner of jihoon’s eye, holding his gaze. “i just wish i had had the courage to tell you how i felt sooner. it’s always been you, jihoonie.”

“i love you,” jihoon whispers past the lump in his throat. “i’m so sorry it took me so long.”

“we can make it up to each other now,” soonyoung murmurs, breath fanning against jihoon’s lips.

“i don’t want to hurt you again,” jihoon has to say. his heart sinks at the very notion of it.

soonyoung smiles, small but impossibly sweet, and quickly pecks him on the lips. “we’re bound to hurt each other sometimes, ji. but i’m happiest with you.”

when jihoon said soonyoung was an awful actor, it wasn’t because he couldn’t act on screen, or throw on confidence like a blanket, or immerse himself in any emotion he chose on stage. it was because when he truly felt something, it radiated from him like heat waves. like soonyoung was a little furnace of feelings, emitting from the core of him.

jihoon kisses him then, holding him close, letting the warmth of soonyoung’s happiness and love sink into his own body and settle in his bones. lets trust and desire melt into him and answers in kind, pressing devotion into soonyoung’s skin with his hands and lips, his fingers and tongue and cock.

later, when they’ve cleaned up in the shower, and are lying side by side, soonyoung shyly takes jihoon’s hand. he squeezes softly, and asks in an equally soft voice,

“stay with me?”

jihoon pulls him into a hug, and it’s the simplest thing in the world. 

“i wouldn’t want anything else.”

  
  


(that night, soonyoung’s dreams are full of fire and light. 

he’s read that it’s rare for people to dream in such vibrant colors, but his dreams are always like that. the bluest of blues and reddest of reds. jihoon’s smile is a blinding white next to pretty pink. the emerald sea stretches into the distance, and the ship he's on is burning, heat licking at his skin.

“soonyoung!” jihoon calls, voice like laughter. “come on! it’s going to be okay.”

soonyoung doesn’t know how to swim, but there’s nothing holding him back anymore. jihoon will catch him.

he jumps).

  
  



End file.
